i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
