My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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