i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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