I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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