I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize