Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
