I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
NoShamevember. You game?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
