Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
