He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
