I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Randomize
