he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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