Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize