Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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