it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
