Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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