i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
