I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize