Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
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