his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize