If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
