I will die if light touches me.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
