I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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