Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize