I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
