The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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