How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
