a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
