Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
