Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
