His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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