Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
