my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
