Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
