I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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