Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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