I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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