why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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