Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
