My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
