You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
