I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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