I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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