Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The power of my boobs compel you
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
