Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You're a waste of cheezeits
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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