I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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