Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
