I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
