so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize
