Dude my mom stole all your condoms
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
