6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
