matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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