she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize