So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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