I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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