New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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