I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
