Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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