The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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