Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
