I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
