so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
