everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
