not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
