I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She bit a glass in half.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
