I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
