it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
