I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
