I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
