It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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