I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
