I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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