It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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