"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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