chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
