Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
