If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
