Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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