After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
