I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
